I have noticed a theme in my life. Every time I begin to care too much what others think of me, or what others may say of me, the worst of each befalls me, wrestles me to the ground, until I no longer care about either. As it should be.

I have come to love long flowing skirts.

 There’s something about how they make me feel.

Maybe it’s the illusion that makes them so ideal.

You see that feminine swishing skirt being tossed in the breeze.

Don’t  be fooled, I am not weak…

The skirt transforms with ease.

Today, it might be a heroine’s cape.

Tomorrow, an eagle’s wings.

My Mother and my daughter

 My mother died quite unexpectedly this past May after a surgery to her ankle.  I fully expected nothing short of her having the surgery, going on to recover nicely, and eventually getting around well on her own again.  Her death was  something I was not the least bit prepared for. I am still reeling from the shock of it.

There’s something about her passing that has left me feeling so very old. Perhaps it’s because I am now the oldest living female in my family, or the ever growing knowledge of my own mortality.  I spend a lot of time now thinking of my own legacy and how little road is left ahead.

I think too of the complex relationship between mothers and daughters, or between mothers and their children in general.  I spent a good portion of my life hoping to win my mother’s approval in some area. Somewhere in my mid-30′s, I decided it was hopeless and went on to explore and develop my own interests. We all have to break away to be who we are.  Even so, there was always that lingering in the back of my mind hoping that somehow she approved and might be proud. It wasn’t until the past few years that it was clear to me that  indeed she was.  In fact, she finally even said so.  I have even stumbled across old emails that she had sent to a sister that also give strong evidence of this. Those emails are touching and they make me cry. In thinking back over how hard I strived for much of my life to gain her approval, I have decided to give my children a gift. It is this: “Be who you are. Do what you do. I could not love you any more or any less. I am already proud of you. Squeeze every drop you can out of this life. Explore. Discover. It doesn’t have to make sense to me or anyone else.  Have fun!!! Just don’t hurt yourself or anyone else in the process. I love you heart and soul!”

I think over my mother’s life and how painfully difficult it was. It seems unfair that anyone should endure all the disappointment, pain, hurt, trauma and tragedy that peppered her life. Yet, she managed to muster the strength and courage to walk through it all with grace and dignity. I learned so much about strength from my mother, and how to wade through adversity. Most of what she taught me best was simply by her example. She was an excellent teacher.  I miss her more than words can say, and I feel lost in the big shoes she left behind.

I am rarely sick. In fact, I am prone to boast of it. Even so, somewhere in the past week, I met up with some nasty cold bug that was stronger than my immune system and it has kicked my butt. I can’t even remember the last time I called in sick to work because “I” was the one that was sick. Generally, I have had to take sick days because I had family members who were sick, or had died. Yesterday was the exception. I just couldn’t find the energy to stay out of bed. So much for my track record. The jury is still out as to whether I will be able to make it to work today or not.

This morning, I am doing soothing things for myself. Like: sipping hot tea with lemon, and soaking my feet in a bubbling, hot, soapy water foot spa, while wrapped in a soft blanket that was a Christmas gift. This is nice. I am enjoying every self-pampered moment. I should break down and do this every day.

I’ve have been thinking a lot of late about this station I’ve arrived at in life. Mostly, I am amazed at how many years I’ve spent actually “mothering” my children. Grown children, mind you; not children who are under the age of 18 years old. I have been a “die hard mama” to be sure. If they didn’t get the lessons I tried to teach, be assured, it wasn’t because I didn’t try. I roped them in, reeled them in, and corralled them on every side. I’m over it now. (I can almost hear my children singing the “Hallelujah Chorus.” ) Yes, my dear lil eaglets. We are finally in the “fly or die” phase. Mama is watching. And that is ALL she is going to do. I finally realized that you too are strong and capable to meet every challenge. Always have been. Like the rest of us, you will find your way in this ever changing maze of life. I am at peace with this. My work as a mother is done. It’s over done. Should have been done a decade ago. (You can take me home now, Jesus. *laughs*)

So now, I focus on this new phase of my own life. I am trying to come to grips with the whole aging process. God knows I hope it doesn’t take me long to work this out. Let me find the serenity in it. I don’t want it to be an uphill battle. I just want to settle in, feel comfortable in my own skin, find the joy, be a little more selfish in simple ways, and it would be nice of some wisdom would find it’s way out. Surely, I have learned something of value in my nearly 56 years on this planet. (Not that I have any intention of becoming a Granny Guru or anything.)

I think a lot of late about friendship, and how small my circle of friends has become. I know a lot of people. I know a lot of people that I call friends, and who consider me also to be a friend. However, because of the work schedule that I have had for the past almost 9 years, it doesn’t lend it’s self to mingling and social interaction. I don’t have friends that I can have lunch with, or shop with, talk on the phone with, or all the other things that girlfriends do on occasion. I work nights and they work days. I have got to find a way to work around this. We all need friends. We all need a few close friends, and I have become lonely, and a bit of a hermit to boot! Maybe when Spring arrives and I can become busier with things outside, I will feel less recluse. In the meantime, I will get busy creating more of what I want in my life. I am good at creating. But for now….I am all poured out.

Until next time, Be well and Be blessed.