“There is no failure except in no longer trying. There is no defeat except from within, no insurmountable barrier except our own inherent weakness of purpose.”
Elbert Hubbard (1859-1915, American Author, Publisher )
I can be my own very best friend or my own worst sabotager. I’ve been in sabotage mode for a while now. I lost 25 pounds of the 30 that I gained back after I lost 60 year before last. I was excited when I hit the 25 pound mark. I had gotten myself in the groove again. I was eating healthy, lots of fresh fruits and vegetables and lean meat and healthy full fiber grains. I was counting my WW points religiously. I was attending meetings and being accountable. I had even started getting up first thing every morning and doing a short workout. I felt really good. And then, I missed a WW meeting, then two, then three. I stopped counting points, I stopped exercising, and I started eating things that I hadn’t eaten in a long time, such as full sugar, full fat cake and ice cream. I went back to the WW meeting and I had gained a little bit. I got back on track for one week, and then I skipped another meeting or two. I went back and had lost 4 pounds and hit the 25 pound mark. I planned a “break” from my WW program for my week of vacation. I tried to get back on track, but I never really did. I believe Yoda is right when he says, “Do or do not. There is no try.” I am not trying; I am not doing the right things for myself. I’m doing all the wrong things.
But why?
Rita asked me what is it that is making it hard for me now? Why can’t I do it anymore? I can come up with a lot of excuses, but they really just sound so lame. I am suffering from defeat from within. I am a food addict. I know this. I have known it for years. I used to say, “It’s harder for me being addicted to food than it is for someone being addicted to drugs or alcohol because someone addicted to drugs or alcohol can just stop ingesting them, but I can’t stop ingesting food or I’ll die.” I think I really believed that until a loved one suffered so greatly from addiction to drugs and alcohol. It’s not easier to stop drinking or drugging. Addiction is addiction, and one thing that I learned when I was going through the addiction with my loved one is that giving up anything one is addicted to is a choice. I remember reading in the AA Big Book that every alcoholic that falls off the wagon has been thinking about taking a drink for a long time and has, in fact, made the decision to take a drink long before he actually does it. That really spoke to me because it is the same for a food addiction. Before I ate the full fat, full sugar ice cream and cake, I thought about, and then I started to plan for it, and then I did it. It was my choice. Unfortunately for me, it is still my choice today. And when I decide to choose to stop it and go through the sugar and fat withdrawal again, getting it all out of my system again, past the cravings for it, I will.
I guess the real question to ask is why don’t I make the better choice right now. Why wait? I have it in my mind that I will make the choice to start counting the WW points again on Tuesday of next week after I go back to work. I know that by postponing my “start date” I risk gaining even more weight back. But I’ve already planned to do that, and unless I get wiser before then, that’s what I’m going to do.
It all boils down to a weakness of purpose. I don’t like being disciplined. And I don’t like that about myself. I have the power to change that and become disciplined again. I have done it before. I can make up my mind and do it now, this very moment, or I can wait until Tuesday, or next week, or next month, or never. I have a doctor’s appointment in early September. I am supposed to have lost 12 pounds by then, 12 pounds less than what I weighed at my last appointment. I am already up from that, not heading down. I don’t want to disappoint my doctor and have him “fuss” at me, so I’ll choose to do the right thing soon. Tuesday sounds like a good day.
Rita
Deb
Catherine
