RESPECT: Sing it, Aretha!

“A little rudeness and disrespect can elevate a meaningless interaction to a battle of wills and add drama to an otherwise dull day.”
~Bill Watterson

I had something happen at the college where I teach that I have never experienced before.  I got called out of my classroom into the hall by a security officer who wanted to know what I knew about a squabble between two of my students.  One student said to me, “SHE called the security cop on me over nothing!”  The officer shushed her and asked me what I knew about the incident.  I knew nothing, but I was required to stand with them as the security officer heard both sides of the story.  Here is the story as was told by one party:

“I came into the classroom and went to where I usually sit, and there were bookbags at MY seat.  So, I asked HER if she was sitting there.  And she got this big attitude and jerked her bookbag out of my way.  Then she mumbled something to me.  Now, I was very nice, but she was disrespecting me.  So, I walked out.  Then SHE came in the bathroom where I was, and she mumbled something under her breath about my accent I use or something.  Hey, I’m Southern.  This is the way I talk!  And then I said, ‘Do you have something you want to say to me?’  And then SHE mumbled something else under her breath like ‘I’m gonna get you, bitch.’  So, I went and got help before this developed into a big thing!”

When asked for her side of the story, the other student said, “I have nothing to say.”  To which the security guard snapped, “Do you want to settle this here and now or later?”  She repeated, “I have nothing to say.”  The guard was glaring at her, so I spoke up in her behalf.  “I don’t know what happened, but when I left the classroom a few minutes before my next class, she was sitting at the computer, working on her lab assignment, not bothering anyone.”

The security guard, playing “bad cop,” I think, said, “Do you two want to go to school here?  We don’t allow this kind of thing here!  Are we going to have anymore problems?  Or am I going to have you kicked off campus?” 

My talkative student practically shouted, “Well, I wanted to get help before the whole thing got turned around and I got blamed for this.  I am used to being written up for things I didn’t do!”  And I was thinking:  Written up?  That’s high school; we don’t do that here.  In fact, why am I being involved in this?  It happened between classes in the bathroom, not in my classroom during my class time.  I teach college, so I don’t have to deal with this kind of high school stuff.

Then to me, the security guard added, “If you have anymore problems with these two, go to the Dean!”  I felt as if he thought I should have had some kind of control over these young ladies and monitor the bathroom between classes.  Again, I don’t have to do that.  I don’t want to do that!  I assured him that there really was no problem, and I returned to class.

Later, mothers showed up, asking me what happened and why the security guard disrespected their daughters.  I sent them to the Dean.

The whole thing rubbed me the wrong way.  How could something like asking someone to move a bookbag end up involving a security guard and wasting my class time with my students?  Why were both the girls so bent out of shape?  And then the mothers?  I hardly ever see any mothers of my students.  They are adults!  What do their mothers have to do with anything?

I’ve thought about this since it happened, two days ago, and I’ve been pondering this whole idea of disrespect.  One student didn’t like the WAY she was asked about her book bag.  She thought the girl’s accent was making fun of her.  The other student didn’t like the way she snatched the bookbag off the table.  Each felt disrespected.  And each wanted to attack immediately.  It escalated into far more drama than it ever deserved.  Add paranoia to disrespect and you have one hysterical girl calling for the security guard and one accused girl practically pleading the 5th amendment.  And it was all over a bookbag sitting on a table in a college classroom.

I still am not sure why it was such a big deal.  It wouldn’t have been a big deal to me.  But it clearly was to them.  And I have no right to say they should have done this or that nor expect them to behave the way I would behave.  Still, I wonder at what point does one become mature enough to not let the way someone else says something become a crisis moment?  And I wonder what my part as a teacher should be in trying to teach them something better.  I fully realize my job is not just to teach college reading skills and composition skills.  I should recognize each teachable moment and teach whatever is necessary.

I do know that although nothing really harmful came out of this incident besides a few bruised feelings and a lot of drama, it could have had a far worse outcome.  I’ve heard of incidents just like this, when someone feels disrespected, and it ends up with someone killed.  “What did you say to me?”  And then a gun is pulled or a knife, and blood is shed, all over a comment, not even necessarily a threat.

I think I will offer a lesson in anger management to my students.  It will fit perfectly in with Chapter 6 in the textbook.  And I will use disrespect as my example.  The anger cycle begins with an expectation:  I expect people to treat me with respect in manner and in word.  Someone speaks to me in a way that doesn’t meet my expectation.  I take the disrespectful remark personally, as an attack on me.  I have a huge ego bruise.  The bruise feels very bad, and I don’t like this feeling.  The bad feeling builds, and the bruised ego turns into anger, which I feel the need to retaliate for in some way.  If I retaliate, the other person feels disrespected, and the same cycle begins on that side.  Now we not only have full blown anger, but we’re also in conflict.  Conflict is not as easily handled as anger, but it can also be handled in a way that does not involve “calling the cops.” 

The key to managing the anger is to go back to the expectation.  I can expect that everyone in the whole world should speak to me, look at me, and act towards me with my own vision of what is respectful.  That is not a realistic expectation.  Sometimes other people do not speak or act the way I believe they should.  Is it worth all the drama if I feel they are disrespecting me?  Sometimes it is.  It depends on the circumstances.  Am I being discriminated against in a job situation?  Am I being disrespected to the extent that I don’t feel comfortable living in my own house in my own neighborhood?  There is such a thing as righteous indignation.  It’s an instinct that helps us stand up for ourselves and protect ourselves.  The key is learning what circumstances merit the drama and which don’t.

My father used to ask me a vital question in such matters:  “Deb, a hundred years from now, will it make any difference?”  Discrimination on the job or in my neighborhood actually could make a big difference a hundred years from now.  The way someone snatches up a bookbag off a table in a public classroom will not. 

The Golden Rule teaches us that we should treat others as we would like to be treated.  That’s the summation of what respect is all about.  I expect that everyone should live by the Golden Rule, but the reality is that not everyone does.  I can, though.  No matter what.  I can choose to treat others the way I would like to be treated.  That’s the mature attitude.  And it came with experience.

 

Making Changes

“The fault is not in the stars, but in ourselves.”

~ William Shakespeare

I am an Obama supporter.  Still.  Always.  Yes, he ran his campaign on the theme of change.  And the American people stood up and demanded change and elected him.  Now the polls say the American people are not just disappointed; they’re mad!  Where is the change?  Where is the health insurance for all those people who go bankrupt under the weight of medical bills for which they can get no assistance?  Where are the jobs?  Why are the gas guzzling vehicle manufacturers still getting bailed out while new technology gets squashed?  Why is it that the wealthy continue to get wealthier and the poor continue to get poorer?  Why?  There is a majority of Democratic leaders in both the House and the Seanate.  Why can’t they work together, in a once in a lifetime situation, to effect change?   Okay.  They have lost the super majority position.  But they still have the majority vote!  They could make change if they wanted to.  So why don’t they?  No wonder people are mad.  People are furious!

It’s always frustrating when we see a better way, and we have the necessary tools to make it to that better way, yet we stay right where we are.  It’s frustrating to those who watch us.  “Why don’t you just do it?” they scream.  It’s frustrating to us, too.  We curse the situation we’re in.  We commiserate with others in the same situation.  Misery does love company, doesn’t it?  Yet we stay there.  As Jim Rohn so wisely says, “But while we curse the effect, we continue to nourish the cause.”

Why do we do that?  That’s a really good question.  Why don’t the Democrats make the changes they sold us on?  Why doesn’t an alcoholic who is ruining his life and the lives of the people around him just stop drinking?  Why doesn’t the student who comes into my office huffing and puffing from climbing the stairs up one flight just quit smoking?  Why don’t I lose this weight that is burdening my body?  

It’s an excellent question.  There are many “answers,” or should we just admit there are many excuses.  However, when it really comes down to the nitty gritty, there is only one honest answer.  We don’t want to do what is required to make the changes.  We don’t want to because we might feel uncomfortable.  Politicians don’t want to offend the people with very vocal minority opinions; they’re afraid they won’t get re-elected.  Addicts don’t want to feel the discomfort of withdrawal as they stop drinking, smoking, or eating to get healthier.  I am a food addict.  And here is the honest answer for why I will not make a change:  I want the comfort of my discomfort.  I want to do nothing.  I want to pursue a path that I know by definition is insane.  I want to keep doing what I’ve always done while expecting a different result.  I want to keep making the choices I have always made that have gotten me into this situation of being too heavy for my body to handle the weight.  And I want a miracle to occur without me having to do anything different. 

The same truthful answer applies to all the questions above.  It’s the truth whether we admit it or not.  Jim Rohn also wisely said, “We can choose rest over labor, entertainment over education, delusion over truth, and doubt over confidence. The choices are ours to make.”

Okay, now I feel depressed.  No, not really.  Truth doesn’t depress me.  In fact, truth, as always, sets us free.  The good news is that we can, every one of us, make different choices.  As uncomfortable and even as frightening as those different choices may seem, we can, in the words of Nike, just do it.  It’s really that simple.  Democrats, just do it.  Smokers, just do it.  Alcoholics, just do it.  Addicts of all kinds, just do it.  Face the fear.  Feel the pain.  Just do it anyway.  Because we are all powerful, and we can withstand pain.

Shakespeare said that we shouldn’t blame the stars or fate or circumstances.  We should just face up to our personal responsibility.  We have tools to help us if we need them.  We have the God-given power within ourselves.  We must all start this very moment making different choices if we want change to come.  We can also choose to do nothing.  It is our choice, after all.  But do we really want to do nothing?  Nothing gets us nowhere and fast.  It’s time to look in the mirror and see the person we want to be.  We need to start right now making the changes we want to see in ourselves.  And in so doing, we start a movement of change in the entire universe.

 

Finding My Second Wind

I had my fair share of holiday “struggles” where food is concerned. I began to “backslide” when Halloween arrived,and I kept on sliding backward until Christmas passed through. Somewhere in the middle of all that, I decided that it was ridiculous to think that I might lose weight while in the midst of all the food and merriment, and I would do better if I just tried to maintain. However, I did gain 10 pounds.  Even so, I can still fit into what I call my “skinny jeans.” That to me, in it’s self, is a victory.

Not to make excuses for myself, but I really feel that I needed some time for my mind to catch up with all the rapid changes that had taken place with my body. The weight loss happened fairly quickly, and I still had a much bigger woman living in my head that had not grasped the reality of the smaller sized vehicle that I am now traveling in. Unless you have experienced this, I realize that you have no idea what I am talking about. Suffice it to say that I no longer hold up the smaller size clothes that I currently wear and think “This is too little for me.” So yeah, my mind needed some time to play “catch up.”

I have set a short term goal for the New Year. I want to lose 40 pounds, by the end of my birthday month, which is in April. I did the calculations on Sparkpeople,and they seem to feel it’s do-able. I am going to need all the support I can get. Especially since I have made the decision not to continue to give money to Weight Watchers just to step on a scale in front of someone. I know what I have to do. I just need to do it again.

I am already aware of some small changes that will make a fast difference on the scale. For starters, I am going to drink lots more hot tea and less coffee. I use A LOT of creamer in my coffee, and though I love it, I will drink lots less of it. And secondly, I have to get back to exercising daily. I actually enjoy strength training. So, this will not be difficult. I also plan to use hypnosis every day. It does help keep me on target.  Finally, I will start tracking again what goes into my mouth. It does make a difference!

Cheer’s to a New Year and may you also reach all of your goals!